It’s sad how rare I
have the time to blog about the things that has been going on here. It’s even
worse that the times I’ve wanted to blog, I’ve been bitter and angry to the
point that it would come out as a spiteful ranting instead of a little bit of
insight of lessons learned I’d rather dish out. I think it’s best to fill my
readers in on what’s been going on over these last three months to better
understand the lack of posts.
Relationships
I was seeing this woman
over the past six months that has been utterly amazing. She is loving,
supportive, silly, a guiding light and so much more. Yet we didn’t work out
because so much of my life got in the way. In hindsight, there are so many
things I could have done to prevent this. So many things I should have done.
And there were so many things I did far too late. For that I’m angry at myself
and others.
The first problem ended
up being my mother. I never thought I would say that nor did I believe things
were to become so hostile. But since my parents moved in it’s become a
nightmare. My mother is a giant ball of passive aggressiveness that you can
only ignore for so long. She is intimidated easily by people, especially those
who have made accomplishments in their lives. If you have a degree in higher
learning, heaven help you. If you stand up to her, she plays innocent while
making little comments that are just below a direct insult. In the beginning,
you can make the excuse of it being just part of her personality, like an
idiosyncratic tick but after a while it gets old.
Let it be known that
this is not an attack on my mom, nor do I hate her. This is a direct
observation that I have been seeing over the years. I’ve said to her many times
that I love her but we can only get along when we live 50 miles apart. The fact
that we’ve been in the same house for the past five months it’s a miracle that
we’re talking at all.
The problem here was
that the tension between my mother and her became so bad that my girlfriend
refused to come here if my mother was in this house. We originally hoped that
we could last the six months of her being here and rebuild but add this and
other factors piling on us, I couldn’t make it work and her and I agree that
the last thing either of us want is for us to resent each other instead of
loving each other.
The other factor was my
friendship with A. the ex-girlfriend. I have now learned that ex’s cannot be
friends right off the bat. There has to be a time to move on before you can
even attempt to be friends or even civil with an ex. Although I had known I
didn’t want A. in my romantic life again, it never occurred to me that I would
still not be over the relationship and the emotional rollercoaster that it was
over the years of on and off again romance. A. and I being friends again wasn’t
normally a problem until she brought up her relationship issues with her new
boyfriend. It pissed me off that she was willing to ignore things about him
that she had the biggest problems with me. It also annoyed me when she would
complain about him so very often and I’d wonder who and what she complained
about me. I had let go of her but I didn’t let go of the relationship and it affected
my relationship. When I finally figured that out I made the choice to end my
friendship with A. to save my relationship. It didn’t go well in the end and
there is nothing but anger between A. and I, which is exactly what should have
happened.
Finally the most
destructive issue was me. We did so well in the beginning and it was easy to discuss
the future, but instead I got spooked. I’ve never been married and although I
eventually do want to get married, I want to be sure without any doubts. When
she began to talk about it, I got scared and began to retreat. Relationships aren’t
simple and they never follow a plan. Someone can be ready for the next step
before the other is and unfortunately I wasn’t ready to take the next step yet
and that was perhaps the biggest issue that ended us.
Family
My daughter has been
doing much better since she was hospitalized. I keep a separate blog here about life with her. My son begins
high school tomorrow which makes me feel old. My parents have lived here for
five months and as much as I love them, I want my house back, I want my bedroom
back and I want to invite people over again. Is that too much to ask?
Outside of my home I
got in contact with my brother Jonathan and slowly we’re building a
relationship. He has so many questions about the same things I did five years
ago. I’m hoping he has a better chance of getting to know everyone than I felt
that I did.
Outcome
As of now I feel a
little trapped and lost. Things that needed to happen did. I may not like how
it all turned out but I have a better chance to sort my head out and move
forward. Life is never perfect and often I’m not happy with things, but all I
can do is learn from my mistakes and continue to move forward.
