Monday, January 9, 2012

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

            There are times when relationships have to come to an end more than you would expect. It isn’t pleasant, or at least my situation but it had to end. I’m not writing this to create drama, nor am I starting a blame game. Overall it’s me trying to sort it out and maybe give a clearer explanation to why things ended up the way they did.
            I thought about trying to explain in vague but every time I began to write it, it makes the situation look wrong in so many ways, for both of us, and overall it’s no one else’s business. What happened between us is strictly that. Our lives together good and bad we’re between us and who ever we decided on the individual level to inform of our time together. It is not for the rest of the World Wide Web.
            So why did I decide to end everything? Those who have ended a relationship may have problems being around them. Maybe you are angry, maybe you feel betrayed, maybe you still care and wish things ended differently, or didn’t end at all. Whichever the reason, the relationship and any and all contact had to end and because of that, someone got hurt. My reasons behind my actions were simple. I couldn’t be around her because it hurt.  I care too much and in the end with some circumstances I no longer have that right to care, nor can I be kept in thought to something I no longer have a say in the matter. There is a far more in depth explanation I could give but in order to do so would require me to divulge too much personal information that I’m not allowed to share.
            With this in mind, I had taken steps long before the argument that ultimately ended out friendship occurred. I had removed her from my phone’s contact list and Email address book. We still had contact with each other on various social networks but when I eventually brought up something to her on those accounts, tension began to occur with things that we had resolved in the past. The final conversation we had, the boiling point had been reached. Things were said to each other. Some, not intending to hurt but to shed light on matters were taken in the wrong tone. This has happened before and subjects were blown way out of proportion. We finally both hit our limits and things were said on both our parts to hurt. I asked her to remove any connection to my family and after some debate, she obliged. I knew I hurt her and I have no doubt she knew she hurt me. Especially when she placed blame for a mutual tragedy we encountered on me and the divine in a mutual cause and effect. I was hurt and pissed with that comment and had the argument had happened face to face instead of over the phone, the outcome may have been worse.
            So here we are. We now have zero contact with each other in any way. We are not linked on any form of social network, our phones have erased each other from their memories and I trust any trace of me in her home, photos, letters and such are long gone in the garbage or worse as most of mine are, sadly by her doing due to a previous issue that eventually lead us here. Anything else she left behind here was either boxed away or tossed to remove traces of her as well. The only thing I could not remove was the stuffed cow because she was right, it was a symbol of something else.
            Now I try to move on. I am still keeping to my promises I made when her and I were together mainly because she was right, I need to take charge in my life and work to improve it on so many aspects. I talk things out to close friends and professionals to help clear my mind. I am doing my best to being a better parent to my children. I am making plans and sticking to achieving my goals. I even began to include myself in the community and started going to church, looking for moral guidance.
This all may seem strange to my friends, especially my attending church but I see the church as a place to receive guidance even when my faith is still in question. It’s not me finding God in the mist of this tragedy but a place where I can get a better understanding of life as I find myself better to listen to others opinions instead of my usual retort to any criticism given to me.
Overall in the end I harbor no ill toward her and I really do wish she will find the truest happiness that she wants to achieve without any repercussions from anyone or anything. My only true regret is that removing her from my life also removed her children that I had come to love so much, I will miss them terribly as much as I will miss her.
I realized what I needed in my life. I am out to better myself and reach goals I set out to meet some time ago. I realized that I want someone in my life I can relate to and challenge me. I want someone who I can see fantastic qualities in and accept her faults. I want someone who I can have a future with. I am currently taking the steps needed to be the person I want to be and when I’m ready to take that next step, I will look to making my future the way I want it.
A. and I didn’t work. We were both troubled in our own way to make what we had last. There is no doubt that we loved each other and no matter what happened between us, we both care for each other. But we both made choices that insured we would never work. She made a choice that she did not want to get married, maybe a person she could spend her life with but because of her bitter divorce and previous betrayal from another, she kept her guard up. I was a person who felt so unworthy to be with her that I pushed her away at any sign of trouble. We could have been a wonderful couple, but our timing was off and now here we are. She was right in the end she wanted someone who could accept her lifestyle and be the person she saw in me. From my point of view, I am willing to change but I want it to be how I see fit without the direct influence of others because I wanted to be sure the changes I made would be for me and only by me and in the end I discovered a great many things.
I will be grateful to her in what she has taught me over our time together. She has taught me to listen and to realize that even when I am sure I am right, I can easily be proven wrong. I learned that what I fear will not always be the outcome and honestly, although not always well received is better than lies. I will take what she taught me and live with it for the rest of my life and I will have a better understanding of what I want and what I can tolerate.
Maybe one day in the future we can be friends. One day we may run into each other and be civil or friendly, but only time will tell. Until then I will go on with my life and rebuild. I am sorry for some of the things I has said whether I meant them or not. I regret having to end our friendship but it was what I know is best for us to heal from our heartbreak. 

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