Friday, June 1, 2012

Time to Escape

It's camping day. And I'm still packing. Normally I would blame my procrastinating nature but the confirmation didn't happen til yesterday.

Most of my gear is packed already and all that's left are pots and pans, clothes, food and toiletries.  Not much more work to be done in the 3 hours we have left til we leave.

but at least I know the tent is still on good shape.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Endings and Explanations (Letting Go of the Wrong)

One major issues I have with break-ups is the reevaluation of the relationship. Essentially the post mortem of what we really were, what damage it did and what did I learn from the mistakes. With those revelations comes a period of anger when you realize there were many realities in which were denied and many issues that were never stated.

I know full well I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I make no excuses and take full responsibility for them. My reactions to some of the events I am not proud of and I took ownership to them once I was caught. Some of those actions were taken as a retaliation to being hurt but that’s no excuse. The fact was I did the wrong thing. I should have voiced how I felt more clearly and given an ultimatum of sorts, instead of simply taking it. Doing so I would have either ended something that was needing to end long before it actually did. Instead, I simple kept my mouth shut at the wrong times, opened it without any real form of tact and didn’t realize what was really going on until long after we ended. Because of this, both of us ended up suffering our shares of hurt and anger and we now have no real contact with each other.

In my case, my pain and anger developed from a disturbing realization of what we really were and what was really happening. On one side, our problems began when I resumed sleeping with my ex when being constantly told by A. that we were “just dating” and being hidden by friends and family of our relationship. Looking back on that event, my first reaction was the right one, the relationship should have ended. The cause was way more in depth then just the title she dubbed us. I look back now and her divorce was and is still pending. I never once thought I was a home wrecker. She was in a relationship with one other person between her husband and I and had been involved with others before me as well. The warning bell occurred the first night I met her. She still has a party lifestyle that I had grown out of. During my 20’s where I was part of the club and party scenes she was a married woman who was starting her family. Now that she was given a real amount of freedom, she took advantage of the lifestyle in her late 20’s and 30’s. Some of this has given her and us issues but that’s not my problem any longer.

Another issue I had with her was something I never realized until recently. A. has a lot of male friends, all of which she had never physically cheated on me with any of them. However she has had emotional affairs with all of them. This is more damaging in my opinion because it creates tension and jealousy along with mistrust. Combine that with her inability to actually commit to a real relationship and finally an inability to take criticism without crossing a thin line of talking down to her like a parent would makes it difficult to communicate. Simple put, she can tell me everything I’m doing wrong but can’t be told the same without a verbal lashing, being accused of a Jekyll and Hyde mood swing or a slap in the face.

Also A. has admitted to me that she requires a lot of personal attention. A level she admits is high but in the end I realized that there was no way any person could realistically give that level of attention to her without causing serious damage to my priorities and self worth. In the end, My self esteem was lower with her than it had been ever been before. I had major stress events because I couldn’t meet her needs and I’d watch her travel to others to get her attention fix.

Finally there was something that I fought long to deny out of guilt or fear. The fact is, I do blame her for what happened last Valentines day. Something I will not put on a blog but have spoken to close friends and therapist about had me realize that her actions, her mental state and choices she made at the time all contributed to the disaster we encountered that day. I’m still unable to forgive her and I can no longer deny what I truly believe happened.

All of this lead to a huge unbalance in relationship equality that easily ended  in disaster and I harbor a huge amount of anger toward her. I see most of our relationship lacking relevance and because of it, I feel I wasted a lot of my heart of someone who was unable to reciprocate it and because of that I made the choice to remove her out of my life.

She is right, I did throw her away, I couldn’t live like that anymore. I have a ton of issues internally and externally that I’ve needed to work out to be where I want to be and move forward and I no longer think I will be able to make those changes while catering to her. Maybe had I met someone more in tune to her needs and was able to include me in her life instead of having me as a part of physical and emotional entourage, things could have turned out great between us. Instead her quest for self worth turned into selfishness and the added stress those choices made by her made her disposable as I followed the first rule of therapy, Take whatever is stressing you out the most and get rid of it.

I still don’t see her as an evil person, far from it. I see her as a wonderful woman capable of  being an inspiration to those around her and one day I believe she will find someone who will help her realize her needs and meet them in every way. I’m sad it wasn’t me but everything happens for a reason.

Monday, January 9, 2012

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

            There are times when relationships have to come to an end more than you would expect. It isn’t pleasant, or at least my situation but it had to end. I’m not writing this to create drama, nor am I starting a blame game. Overall it’s me trying to sort it out and maybe give a clearer explanation to why things ended up the way they did.
            I thought about trying to explain in vague but every time I began to write it, it makes the situation look wrong in so many ways, for both of us, and overall it’s no one else’s business. What happened between us is strictly that. Our lives together good and bad we’re between us and who ever we decided on the individual level to inform of our time together. It is not for the rest of the World Wide Web.
            So why did I decide to end everything? Those who have ended a relationship may have problems being around them. Maybe you are angry, maybe you feel betrayed, maybe you still care and wish things ended differently, or didn’t end at all. Whichever the reason, the relationship and any and all contact had to end and because of that, someone got hurt. My reasons behind my actions were simple. I couldn’t be around her because it hurt.  I care too much and in the end with some circumstances I no longer have that right to care, nor can I be kept in thought to something I no longer have a say in the matter. There is a far more in depth explanation I could give but in order to do so would require me to divulge too much personal information that I’m not allowed to share.
            With this in mind, I had taken steps long before the argument that ultimately ended out friendship occurred. I had removed her from my phone’s contact list and Email address book. We still had contact with each other on various social networks but when I eventually brought up something to her on those accounts, tension began to occur with things that we had resolved in the past. The final conversation we had, the boiling point had been reached. Things were said to each other. Some, not intending to hurt but to shed light on matters were taken in the wrong tone. This has happened before and subjects were blown way out of proportion. We finally both hit our limits and things were said on both our parts to hurt. I asked her to remove any connection to my family and after some debate, she obliged. I knew I hurt her and I have no doubt she knew she hurt me. Especially when she placed blame for a mutual tragedy we encountered on me and the divine in a mutual cause and effect. I was hurt and pissed with that comment and had the argument had happened face to face instead of over the phone, the outcome may have been worse.
            So here we are. We now have zero contact with each other in any way. We are not linked on any form of social network, our phones have erased each other from their memories and I trust any trace of me in her home, photos, letters and such are long gone in the garbage or worse as most of mine are, sadly by her doing due to a previous issue that eventually lead us here. Anything else she left behind here was either boxed away or tossed to remove traces of her as well. The only thing I could not remove was the stuffed cow because she was right, it was a symbol of something else.
            Now I try to move on. I am still keeping to my promises I made when her and I were together mainly because she was right, I need to take charge in my life and work to improve it on so many aspects. I talk things out to close friends and professionals to help clear my mind. I am doing my best to being a better parent to my children. I am making plans and sticking to achieving my goals. I even began to include myself in the community and started going to church, looking for moral guidance.
This all may seem strange to my friends, especially my attending church but I see the church as a place to receive guidance even when my faith is still in question. It’s not me finding God in the mist of this tragedy but a place where I can get a better understanding of life as I find myself better to listen to others opinions instead of my usual retort to any criticism given to me.
Overall in the end I harbor no ill toward her and I really do wish she will find the truest happiness that she wants to achieve without any repercussions from anyone or anything. My only true regret is that removing her from my life also removed her children that I had come to love so much, I will miss them terribly as much as I will miss her.
I realized what I needed in my life. I am out to better myself and reach goals I set out to meet some time ago. I realized that I want someone in my life I can relate to and challenge me. I want someone who I can see fantastic qualities in and accept her faults. I want someone who I can have a future with. I am currently taking the steps needed to be the person I want to be and when I’m ready to take that next step, I will look to making my future the way I want it.
A. and I didn’t work. We were both troubled in our own way to make what we had last. There is no doubt that we loved each other and no matter what happened between us, we both care for each other. But we both made choices that insured we would never work. She made a choice that she did not want to get married, maybe a person she could spend her life with but because of her bitter divorce and previous betrayal from another, she kept her guard up. I was a person who felt so unworthy to be with her that I pushed her away at any sign of trouble. We could have been a wonderful couple, but our timing was off and now here we are. She was right in the end she wanted someone who could accept her lifestyle and be the person she saw in me. From my point of view, I am willing to change but I want it to be how I see fit without the direct influence of others because I wanted to be sure the changes I made would be for me and only by me and in the end I discovered a great many things.
I will be grateful to her in what she has taught me over our time together. She has taught me to listen and to realize that even when I am sure I am right, I can easily be proven wrong. I learned that what I fear will not always be the outcome and honestly, although not always well received is better than lies. I will take what she taught me and live with it for the rest of my life and I will have a better understanding of what I want and what I can tolerate.
Maybe one day in the future we can be friends. One day we may run into each other and be civil or friendly, but only time will tell. Until then I will go on with my life and rebuild. I am sorry for some of the things I has said whether I meant them or not. I regret having to end our friendship but it was what I know is best for us to heal from our heartbreak.