It’s sad how rare I have the time to blog about the things that has been going on here. It’s even worse that the times I’ve wanted to blog, I’ve been bitter and angry to the point that it would come out as a spiteful ranting instead of a little bit of insight of lessons learned I’d rather dish out. I think it’s best to fill my readers in on what’s been going on over these last three months to better understand the lack of posts.
I was seeing this woman over the past six months that has been utterly amazing. She is loving, supportive, silly, a guiding light and so much more. Yet we didn’t work out because so much of my life got in the way. In hindsight, there are so many things I could have done to prevent this. So many things I should have done. And there were so many things I did far too late. For that I’m angry at myself and others.
The first problem ended up being my mother. I never thought I would say that nor did I believe things were to become so hostile. But since my parents moved in it’s become a nightmare. My mother is a giant ball of passive aggressiveness that you can only ignore for so long. She is intimidated easily by people, especially those who have made accomplishments in their lives. If you have a degree in higher learning, heaven help you. If you stand up to her, she plays innocent while making little comments that are just below a direct insult. In the beginning, you can make the excuse of it being just part of her personality, like an idiosyncratic tick but after a while it gets old.
Let it be known that this is not an attack on my mom, nor do I hate her. This is a direct observation that I have been seeing over the years. I’ve said to her many times that I love her but we can only get along when we live 50 miles apart. The fact that we’ve been in the same house for the past five months it’s a miracle that we’re talking at all.
The problem here was that the tension between my mother and her became so bad that my girlfriend refused to come here if my mother was in this house. We originally hoped that we could last the six months of her being here and rebuild but add this and other factors piling on us, I couldn’t make it work and her and I agree that the last thing either of us want is for us to resent each other instead of loving each other.
The other factor was my friendship with A. the ex-girlfriend. I have now learned that ex’s cannot be friends right off the bat. There has to be a time to move on before you can even attempt to be friends or even civil with an ex. Although I had known I didn’t want A. in my romantic life again, it never occurred to me that I would still not be over the relationship and the emotional rollercoaster that it was over the years of on and off again romance. A. and I being friends again wasn’t normally a problem until she brought up her relationship issues with her new boyfriend. It pissed me off that she was willing to ignore things about him that she had the biggest problems with me. It also annoyed me when she would complain about him so very often and I’d wonder who and what she complained about me. I had let go of her but I didn’t let go of the relationship and it affected my relationship. When I finally figured that out I made the choice to end my friendship with A. to save my relationship. It didn’t go well in the end and there is nothing but anger between A. and I, which is exactly what should have happened.
Finally the most destructive issue was me. We did so well in the beginning and it was easy to discuss the future, but instead I got spooked. I’ve never been married and although I eventually do want to get married, I want to be sure without any doubts. When she began to talk about it, I got scared and began to retreat. Relationships aren’t simple and they never follow a plan. Someone can be ready for the next step before the other is and unfortunately I wasn’t ready to take the next step yet and that was perhaps the biggest issue that ended us.
My daughter has been doing much better since she was hospitalized. I keep a separate blog here about life with her. My son begins high school tomorrow which makes me feel old. My parents have lived here for five months and as much as I love them, I want my house back, I want my bedroom back and I want to invite people over again. Is that too much to ask?
Outside of my home I got in contact with my brother Jonathan and slowly we’re building a relationship. He has so many questions about the same things I did five years ago. I’m hoping he has a better chance of getting to know everyone than I felt that I did.
As of now I feel a little trapped and lost. Things that needed to happen did. I may not like how it all turned out but I have a better chance to sort my head out and move forward. Life is never perfect and often I’m not happy with things, but all I can do is learn from my mistakes and continue to move forward.