Endings and Explanations (Letting Go of the Wrong)

One major issues I have with break-ups is the reevaluation of the relationship. Essentially the post mortem of what we really were, what damage it did and what did I learn from the mistakes. With those revelations comes a period of anger when you realize there were many realities in which were denied and many issues that were never stated.

I know full well I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I make no excuses and take full responsibility for them. My reactions to some of the events I am not proud of and I took ownership to them once I was caught. Some of those actions were taken as a retaliation to being hurt but that’s no excuse. The fact was I did the wrong thing. I should have voiced how I felt more clearly and given an ultimatum of sorts, instead of simply taking it. Doing so I would have either ended something that was needing to end long before it actually did. Instead, I simple kept my mouth shut at the wrong times, opened it without any real form of tact and didn’t realize what was really going on until long after we ended. Because of this, both of us ended up suffering our shares of hurt and anger and we now have no real contact with each other.

In my case, my pain and anger developed from a disturbing realization of what we really were and what was really happening. On one side, our problems began when I resumed sleeping with my ex when being constantly told by A. that we were “just dating” and being hidden by friends and family of our relationship. Looking back on that event, my first reaction was the right one, the relationship should have ended. The cause was way more in depth then just the title she dubbed us. I look back now and her divorce was and is still pending. I never once thought I was a home wrecker. She was in a relationship with one other person between her husband and I and had been involved with others before me as well. The warning bell occurred the first night I met her. She still has a party lifestyle that I had grown out of. During my 20’s where I was part of the club and party scenes she was a married woman who was starting her family. Now that she was given a real amount of freedom, she took advantage of the lifestyle in her late 20’s and 30’s. Some of this has given her and us issues but that’s not my problem any longer.

Another issue I had with her was something I never realized until recently. A. has a lot of male friends, all of which she had never physically cheated on me with any of them. However she has had emotional affairs with all of them. This is more damaging in my opinion because it creates tension and jealousy along with mistrust. Combine that with her inability to actually commit to a real relationship and finally an inability to take criticism without crossing a thin line of talking down to her like a parent would makes it difficult to communicate. Simple put, she can tell me everything I’m doing wrong but can’t be told the same without a verbal lashing, being accused of a Jekyll and Hyde mood swing or a slap in the face.

Also A. has admitted to me that she requires a lot of personal attention. A level she admits is high but in the end I realized that there was no way any person could realistically give that level of attention to her without causing serious damage to my priorities and self worth. In the end, My self esteem was lower with her than it had been ever been before. I had major stress events because I couldn’t meet her needs and I’d watch her travel to others to get her attention fix.

Finally there was something that I fought long to deny out of guilt or fear. The fact is, I do blame her for what happened last Valentines day. Something I will not put on a blog but have spoken to close friends and therapist about had me realize that her actions, her mental state and choices she made at the time all contributed to the disaster we encountered that day. I’m still unable to forgive her and I can no longer deny what I truly believe happened.

All of this lead to a huge unbalance in relationship equality that easily ended  in disaster and I harbor a huge amount of anger toward her. I see most of our relationship lacking relevance and because of it, I feel I wasted a lot of my heart of someone who was unable to reciprocate it and because of that I made the choice to remove her out of my life.

She is right, I did throw her away, I couldn’t live like that anymore. I have a ton of issues internally and externally that I’ve needed to work out to be where I want to be and move forward and I no longer think I will be able to make those changes while catering to her. Maybe had I met someone more in tune to her needs and was able to include me in her life instead of having me as a part of physical and emotional entourage, things could have turned out great between us. Instead her quest for self worth turned into selfishness and the added stress those choices made by her made her disposable as I followed the first rule of therapy, Take whatever is stressing you out the most and get rid of it.

I still don’t see her as an evil person, far from it. I see her as a wonderful woman capable of  being an inspiration to those around her and one day I believe she will find someone who will help her realize her needs and meet them in every way. I’m sad it wasn’t me but everything happens for a reason.

Meltdown Through Analysis

            I have been in this funk for several days. I can’t get out of it no matter how much I try and to be honest, I am not sure what’s causing it. After so much thought I realized it could be any number of things or all of them combined. It’s difficult to sort them out and deal with their fundamental sources. It simple boils down to these factors.

1.      Relationships

2.      Money

3.      Career

4.      Children

5.      Self Worth

Relationships

This is not directed at my break up. Not entirely. I spent so much time feeling this emptiness recently, I immediately attributed it to A. and the breakup. But in the end, what I’ve noticed is when I look to find ways to get rid of the emptiness; it isn’t always toward her. It’s looking at several people. People I feel close and comfortable with and want to be around for a chance of peace. It is sometimes picturing intimate encounters but not necessary sexual ones.

Tonight for instance, I wanted to just sleep next to someone. Somebody I could be relaxed around. It made me realize that even though I don’t always sleep well around other people, I have come to enjoy someone being there. A. was always here in my home, she even made mention to the fact that she was at my house more than she was at her own. I think I got used to not only here, always around and sleeping next to me, but just the mere presence of someone being there.

It isn’t just in the bedroom though, it’s a general feeling of being alone. It’s that feeling of being accepted and love. It is very rare someone comes to visit me and it’s an issue that’s actually a huge pet peeve of mine that stemmed from early adulthood. I was the one always driving to see my friends and to hang out. There are two times in my life I was without a car and during those times, I seldom or stopped seeing almost all my friends. These days I’m more aware of that situation and it bothers me when people I know won’t hang out unless I drive out to meet them. Very few people ever come here. Even fewer are the people I know who have even been to my home. It reminds me of my childhood when I had a ton of friends in the summertime because I was the only one in the neighborhood who had a pool. I’m now they guy with the car ready to take people to where they need to go. Or the guy who indulges them to their wants but to hell with what I want because there’s nothing to do. (Insert extremely low self-esteem).

I feel alone right now, not because I don’t have a girlfriend but because the only one I really hang out with these days is C. who is wonderful but I feel like such an ass for how I’ve treated her before and the fact that being around her is a huge secret with people from both our circles. I don’t want to cause an issue by being around her and for that I feel like an ass because she’s the only one I feel I can count on these days. Most of my friends I meet at anywhere but my house. I feel like a huge secret in A.’s life more now than when we first started dating. And everyone else I merely communicate through the internet. I feel like that guy who does a lot for others but is almost at the level of an Untouchable in other people’s eyes. Where’s the fairness in this? Why do I have to almost always leave my house in order to be with friends? Why is it that I feel that I have so many friends because I go to them? Because I am the one always going to them. Facts are facts.

Money

            Without going into too much detail of my financial situations, it’s best to say I am broke to the point of being broken. This recession beat the hell out of me after leaving Paychex. I managed to find income to survive though luck and a ton of help from friends, family and others. But right now I have literally nothing. This issue is only made worse through other factors in my life. Relationships: I can’t afford to go out. Career: I can’t afford to start this business. Children: I can’t give them what they want and sometimes what they need. They are always asking why and sometimes I find my patience slipping. Self Worth: Money isn’t everything, but living off the charity of others is humiliating. I am working my ass off to get Xcom up and running and I am constantly finding new ways to get tasks done on zero spending. And that leads to other problems.

Career

            I know Xcom Radio will work, I have planned it, ran S.W.O.T Analysis on it. Plugged every detail on it, found ways to save more money on the startup than I thought possible and I now ask myself for what? I have put in months of countless hours in action and research to get this project in motion. I am depending on my partner into providing funding to make this a reality. So far everything on my end is done. All we have left is the automation software to be purchased, the website designed and hosted and we can begin the process of dry run to give us a structure to obtain clientele. All of which needs money. Money I don’t have the money that has yet to be provided because of so many reasons and excuses that have me wasting more time by adding more tasks on my plate with no sign of a realistic outcome. I am so scared of this not becoming something more than just a written and planned concept because I am waiting on others. I feel my life and self worth are relying on this and I have gone too far to have it collapse.  

            A few months back I took time to think seriously about getting a loan or venture capital and starting this on my own. All the work had literally been done by me at this point and I still see nothing contributed by my partner other than concert ideas that we seldom agree on. I asked A. for advice and she said I would lose so much respect from her, my partner and others if I went this route. I doubt I have ever had professional respect from my partner, her or anyone else directly involved with this. It’s time I take things into my own hands and finish what I started with or without him.

           

            Children

            I have two children, my daughter Michelle who is 13 and my son Nick who is 11. Michelle has Autistic Spectrum Disorder, which means she is mentally handicapped but it is not defined as traditional Autism. Essentially Doctors can’t agree as to what she has so she is thrown into the ASD pile or as I like to say, Autistic-like. She is beautiful, she is wonderful and she is fantastic in her own way and as much as I love her, there are moments I feel like crap because I feel totally helpless. I feel like I am doing everything wrong at times, even when people tell me I am a great dad to her. I feel that my patience should be so much better with her and I find myself loosing that patience because it feels like a never ending uphill battle with her. I have no doubt in my mind that I love her and will be there for her. I feel horrible that I set these expectations for her when she was born and when the autism showed up, all those plans fell apart. I hate the fact that I am embarrassed at times when she talks in her mono toned voice that gets stares from children and adults alike. And it pisses me off when my mother tells strangers around us that Michelle is her very “special” to her. “Do you get what I mean by special”. I am her only parent and the fact that everyone feels like they need to either interfere or avoid us because of how she is upsets me over and over again.

            Nick does not live with me but I do spend every other weekend with him. I have so little time and I feel that as much effort I put into raising him; I feel that it’s never enough. I deal with the issues and grudges from his mother who if she had her way, would totally have me out of the picture. I have no say in what he does, I have no say toward his well-being. I have no say in his schooling and when I do bring it up, I am quickly shot down by her. I am protective of him and there are times I seriously disagree to how he’s treated by his mother and grandfather and in a moment of pure stupidity I voiced those issues without thinking of the damage it did to him. It devastated me when I was told what happened after my actions when I dropped him off after out last visit. No matter how angry I am at them, the regret I have toward my actions that caused him grief is far greater. I want more time with him. I want to raise both my children right. I want the best for them and yet by totally different reasons, I feel I am failing them.

            No matter how many times people say I am a great dad to them, I am constantly seeing otherwise. The only reason I know I have not failed them is because I am still here for both of them. I keep trying no matter how impossible if feels or how little I think I do for them, I still know I am doing something.

            Now with all this on my mind I have to figure out how to juggle it. A. was right, I have too much on my plate to successfully add to it. But I keep doing what needs to be done. I can’t walk away or quit anymore because it’s all I have, good and bad. I can do the best I can to change things I don’t like but other things are more of a challenge than dropping the dead weight. 

Where it All Starts (Background)

Blogging used to be the “in” thing when Live Journal was around, back in the day. Then My Space created Bulletin Post, facebook made Status Updates and Twitter made Tweets. Shorter and shorter our messaging got and now maybe it’s too short. We have so much more to say than the 400 characters facebook allows and the 140 characters twitter allows. Maybe Blogging is the answer.

I was told by many people that I should start writing things down. If anything else, it would make great therapy for me. Blogging is a chance to hash out my issues or even my daily routines in order to better understand why I am the way that I am. The big question is, where do I begin?

Let’s start with basics; I am a 34 year old single dad living in Southern California. I live in a 3 bedroom condo with my daughter, who has a form of autism, my dog Dresden and my aunt, which will be several posts all in themselves. I have a son nearby also who doesn’t live with me but is here enough for me to be his dad but not enough for my liking.

I am trying to start a new business called Xcom Radio, which is seriously behind schedule and funding, but somehow I am still making progress with. I put in way too many hours in a day for it sometimes but I know this will work.

I have several friends in my life, although it seems a bit crazy sometimes. The friend I see most often is actually one of my ex girlfriends who may know me the best. Sometimes things are awkward between us but she is someone I can talk to about most things.

And I am going through the issues of a recent breakup. By recent, I mean two months ago. On month for me to realize it’s really over without any hope of reconciliation and another month to realize we can’t even be friends. I do still care for her and that makes it difficult because there are now issues concerning her that I can’t have in my life at the moment. I can be civil with her but I can no longer be there for her in the ways she asks me to be.

This is the major points in my life right now and my future posts will have these as topics. I can say you have been welcomed or warned. It depends on how you take it.