Endings and Explanations (Letting Go of the Wrong)

One major issues I have with break-ups is the reevaluation of the relationship. Essentially the post mortem of what we really were, what damage it did and what did I learn from the mistakes. With those revelations comes a period of anger when you realize there were many realities in which were denied and many issues that were never stated.

I know full well I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I make no excuses and take full responsibility for them. My reactions to some of the events I am not proud of and I took ownership to them once I was caught. Some of those actions were taken as a retaliation to being hurt but that’s no excuse. The fact was I did the wrong thing. I should have voiced how I felt more clearly and given an ultimatum of sorts, instead of simply taking it. Doing so I would have either ended something that was needing to end long before it actually did. Instead, I simple kept my mouth shut at the wrong times, opened it without any real form of tact and didn’t realize what was really going on until long after we ended. Because of this, both of us ended up suffering our shares of hurt and anger and we now have no real contact with each other.

In my case, my pain and anger developed from a disturbing realization of what we really were and what was really happening. On one side, our problems began when I resumed sleeping with my ex when being constantly told by A. that we were “just dating” and being hidden by friends and family of our relationship. Looking back on that event, my first reaction was the right one, the relationship should have ended. The cause was way more in depth then just the title she dubbed us. I look back now and her divorce was and is still pending. I never once thought I was a home wrecker. She was in a relationship with one other person between her husband and I and had been involved with others before me as well. The warning bell occurred the first night I met her. She still has a party lifestyle that I had grown out of. During my 20’s where I was part of the club and party scenes she was a married woman who was starting her family. Now that she was given a real amount of freedom, she took advantage of the lifestyle in her late 20’s and 30’s. Some of this has given her and us issues but that’s not my problem any longer.

Another issue I had with her was something I never realized until recently. A. has a lot of male friends, all of which she had never physically cheated on me with any of them. However she has had emotional affairs with all of them. This is more damaging in my opinion because it creates tension and jealousy along with mistrust. Combine that with her inability to actually commit to a real relationship and finally an inability to take criticism without crossing a thin line of talking down to her like a parent would makes it difficult to communicate. Simple put, she can tell me everything I’m doing wrong but can’t be told the same without a verbal lashing, being accused of a Jekyll and Hyde mood swing or a slap in the face.

Also A. has admitted to me that she requires a lot of personal attention. A level she admits is high but in the end I realized that there was no way any person could realistically give that level of attention to her without causing serious damage to my priorities and self worth. In the end, My self esteem was lower with her than it had been ever been before. I had major stress events because I couldn’t meet her needs and I’d watch her travel to others to get her attention fix.

Finally there was something that I fought long to deny out of guilt or fear. The fact is, I do blame her for what happened last Valentines day. Something I will not put on a blog but have spoken to close friends and therapist about had me realize that her actions, her mental state and choices she made at the time all contributed to the disaster we encountered that day. I’m still unable to forgive her and I can no longer deny what I truly believe happened.

All of this lead to a huge unbalance in relationship equality that easily ended  in disaster and I harbor a huge amount of anger toward her. I see most of our relationship lacking relevance and because of it, I feel I wasted a lot of my heart of someone who was unable to reciprocate it and because of that I made the choice to remove her out of my life.

She is right, I did throw her away, I couldn’t live like that anymore. I have a ton of issues internally and externally that I’ve needed to work out to be where I want to be and move forward and I no longer think I will be able to make those changes while catering to her. Maybe had I met someone more in tune to her needs and was able to include me in her life instead of having me as a part of physical and emotional entourage, things could have turned out great between us. Instead her quest for self worth turned into selfishness and the added stress those choices made by her made her disposable as I followed the first rule of therapy, Take whatever is stressing you out the most and get rid of it.

I still don’t see her as an evil person, far from it. I see her as a wonderful woman capable of  being an inspiration to those around her and one day I believe she will find someone who will help her realize her needs and meet them in every way. I’m sad it wasn’t me but everything happens for a reason.

Friendly Territory

I wanted to post earlier, in the heat of an argument, but I’ve learned that posting when I’m angry is not pretty and often not the whole picture. It’s better to let things play out and let heads cool down before making a written account of my thoughts and feelings.

What end up happening was I finally gave in and contacted my ex about not asking for me to come to her rescue when she had a breakdown. It hurt me too much, being pushed away to the brink where I wanted nothing to do with her, only for her to ask for me to be there when she needed it. Why does she think she has that right? Why is it that I am almost certain that if I asked the same, she’d never do that for me?

Normally you’d expect someone to just say “OK” and “I’m sorry I hurt you that was not my intention”. But those comments didn’t happen. Instead there was blame for me not coming to her rescue. She was unapologetic about my feelings and it gave her the impression that I saw her as a horrible person. (Note: I did say “I hate you for that” so I get why she thinks I see her as a horrible person). The argument escalated and quickly turned into “Delete me off facebook and call me when you want to be friends again.”

That’s when I felt like blogging. I wanted to be mean, hurtful, nasty and cruel. But it’s not what I wanted to be. Instead I calmed down and tried to explain the situation. In the end we managed to be cool again. We both want to be friends and that should be simple.

It’s not simple. What I lack in my “tone” while texting, she lacks in actions. Her version of a friend isn’t my standard. Walking up to someone to say hi and take off with others isn’t a friend. It’s an acquaintance. I can live with that definition, but don’t refer to me as a friend.

A friend is something more. A friend is there for you because they know you’re there for them. A friend takes the time for you. I treat my friends with that level of respect. I care for them and I show my loyalty to them and voice my concerns for them when I feel they’re in trouble. I am a friend to many and what I give is what I know they will do in return.

I recently posted something in facebook asking my friends to put a memory they have of me. I was surprised to what I read. One read “you showing up, (without) me calling you, when i needed you the most taking me out to relieve my anger and stress from that day. i love you much for that one ! :D” another said “The time when we were roomies. When I had bronchitis (sic) and I was having a coughing attack and you stayed up all night with me trying to get ste(a)m in my lungs”. Another one stated “You and Melissa showing up in AZ in the middle of the night to take me and Daelan home to Cali ;). . .Wow! I just thought about that lol. Almost 13 years ago! Ty” and another, “Many nights of coffee after (Klub) empire and conversations at clubs or in the parking lot after clubs. Me pouring out all of relationship problems to you. And then in turn being the voice of reason for you.” And finally “You have some friends with great memories of you including me... where do I start?! Club Metro...Rocky Horror in Encinitas... taking care of me when I got my appendix out and had just finished getting my first Corolla and going through a divorce... being there for me no matter what, including times I am sure you wanted to hate me... U are awesome! :-)” This is how I treat my friends and I know they would do the same for me.

I love my friends, I will be there for them and I may not always agree with them but I will stand by them and voice my concerns when their action can do serious damage to themselves and those around them. I do this because I care for them and I do it because I know they’d do the same for me. The word friend is a sacred word for me, all others below that are simply acquaintances or just people I know civilly. I don’t mix them up and I won’t drop that standard with them or except anything less of them toward me.

My ex said to me that she missed our friendship and so did I. But we don’t define friendship the same way and that is why we are no longer close.