Friday, July 15, 2011

Friendly Territory

I wanted to post earlier, in the heat of an argument, but I’ve learned that posting when I’m angry is not pretty and often not the whole picture. It’s better to let things play out and let heads cool down before making a written account of my thoughts and feelings.

What end up happening was I finally gave in and contacted my ex about not asking for me to come to her rescue when she had a breakdown. It hurt me too much, being pushed away to the brink where I wanted nothing to do with her, only for her to ask for me to be there when she needed it. Why does she think she has that right? Why is it that I am almost certain that if I asked the same, she’d never do that for me?

Normally you’d expect someone to just say “OK” and “I’m sorry I hurt you that was not my intention”. But those comments didn’t happen. Instead there was blame for me not coming to her rescue. She was unapologetic about my feelings and it gave her the impression that I saw her as a horrible person. (Note: I did say “I hate you for that” so I get why she thinks I see her as a horrible person). The argument escalated and quickly turned into “Delete me off facebook and call me when you want to be friends again.”

That’s when I felt like blogging. I wanted to be mean, hurtful, nasty and cruel. But it’s not what I wanted to be. Instead I calmed down and tried to explain the situation. In the end we managed to be cool again. We both want to be friends and that should be simple.

It’s not simple. What I lack in my “tone” while texting, she lacks in actions. Her version of a friend isn’t my standard. Walking up to someone to say hi and take off with others isn’t a friend. It’s an acquaintance. I can live with that definition, but don’t refer to me as a friend.

A friend is something more. A friend is there for you because they know you’re there for them. A friend takes the time for you. I treat my friends with that level of respect. I care for them and I show my loyalty to them and voice my concerns for them when I feel they’re in trouble. I am a friend to many and what I give is what I know they will do in return.

I recently posted something in facebook asking my friends to put a memory they have of me. I was surprised to what I read. One read “you showing up, (without) me calling you, when i needed you the most taking me out to relieve my anger and stress from that day. i love you much for that one ! :D” another said “The time when we were roomies. When I had bronchitis (sic) and I was having a coughing attack and you stayed up all night with me trying to get ste(a)m in my lungs”. Another one stated “You and Melissa showing up in AZ in the middle of the night to take me and Daelan home to Cali ;). . .Wow! I just thought about that lol. Almost 13 years ago! Ty” and another, “Many nights of coffee after (Klub) empire and conversations at clubs or in the parking lot after clubs. Me pouring out all of relationship problems to you. And then in turn being the voice of reason for you.” And finally “You have some friends with great memories of you including me... where do I start?! Club Metro...Rocky Horror in Encinitas... taking care of me when I got my appendix out and had just finished getting my first Corolla and going through a divorce... being there for me no matter what, including times I am sure you wanted to hate me... U are awesome! :-)” This is how I treat my friends and I know they would do the same for me.

I love my friends, I will be there for them and I may not always agree with them but I will stand by them and voice my concerns when their action can do serious damage to themselves and those around them. I do this because I care for them and I do it because I know they’d do the same for me. The word friend is a sacred word for me, all others below that are simply acquaintances or just people I know civilly. I don’t mix them up and I won’t drop that standard with them or except anything less of them toward me.

My ex said to me that she missed our friendship and so did I. But we don’t define friendship the same way and that is why we are no longer close. 

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