Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Ex Marks a Sore Spot

                There are always going to be issues with a break-up. Whether you’re the Dumper or Dumped, your emotions are going to go haywire. Depression, anger, regrets, those are all the negative emotions that dwell in your conscious minds and vary depending on what side of the fence you end up on.

                In my life, I was the one who guaranteed the relationships demise by my own self destructive actions that I started because of my unusually low self-esteem. So when the relationship ended, It was either me doing the dumping or a mutual decision. I did it to protect myself from depression and loss from being dumped. My low self-esteem is an evil S.O.B.

                Recently I made an effort to change who I was. Relearning how to be the nice guy I used to be instead of the selfish, mean cold hearted person I was turning into. I made the attempt to let go of a lot of anger built up inside of me, which was seriously doing damage to my emotional and social selves. I learned to open up and communicate about what’s going on in my head, rather than bottling it up. I learned to listen and be more attentive to those around me, at least the best I could do from the habit of years of selfishness.

                Somewhere in this endeavor, I met a woman, a very social, kind, loving, beautiful woman that had an ability to be open and understanding. I saw her as a new friend with little interest in pursuing any relationship past that. Somewhere in the middle of it all we began to flirt, using private jokes, witty humour and an ice storm that took us from friendship to a slightly higher level. As to what, we had no idea yet.

See, a little background into her was she was going through a divorce and had recently ended a relationship with the man she was with post-separation. Her desire to be in a relationship was as slim as mine. Not to say we didn’t have feelings for each other, but we had issues with trust and attachment due to our own past experiences. (This should have been a huge red flag).

In the beginning, past the question if this was only going to be about sex, our titles toward each other were strictly “dating”. This was a phrase she applied to us that I agreed to in the beginning. “Dating” was a title commit-aphobes could use easily. It means the fear of attachment and relationships aren’t there because the title isn’t there. (A rose by any other name. . . ).  It sounded like a good idea at the time. Here is the issue, when you’re around someone that you click with on so many levels for a period of time; your natural instinct is to be more bonded to them. Well, it was my instinct at least.

 I adored her by then. (My code word for “I’m falling in love with you”). I hinted that I wanted more from her and I was informed that I was still that guy she was dating. This really messed with my head when all actions say we’re more than dating but we’re still dating.

This is where my anger kicked in. I didn’t handle the rejection well, but instead of an ultimatum or just walking away, I began to get involved with my ex-girlfriend. I did it for two reasons:

1.       My ex and I were together for 5 years and even though I did a ton of damage there, she was the only one who knew me at a level I didn’t know myself and If I needed to vent, she was able to help me better understand.

2.       I was really angry and I really wanted to hurt her.

The problem with that is I couldn’t admit to the damage I was doing. I didn’t want to lose her. So I lied and messed with people’s heads in order to keep a secret. But that kind of secret never lasts and eventually I got caught.

                This is where it should have ended. I was caught, end of story. But instead she showed up and went through a locked door to get to me, and forgive me.  I never understood this and I think my lack of understanding made things worse. We managed to make it work for some time, even when I pushed the hardest when I had an emotional breakdown. But then things came crashing down after the Holidays.

                From my point of view, there were constant issues with those two weeks I never addressed. She and her kids were at my house. It was loud, crowded, issues came with the actions of her kids in my home and I have an issue where I see the negative in everything. From New Years Eve till the big fight a few days later, she became very cold and finally mentioned that I was doing some things wrong by her standards. Let me remind you again that I only see and hear the negative.  Low self esteem and anger are a bad combination and the fight was bad. We were finished. A few days later it really sunk in and I hit a bar, drinking myself stupid, all for a woman.

                This is where is should have ended. This is when I say we parted ways and that was all.

                Nothing ever goes to plan.

                A few days later I get a text with one word, “FUCK”.

                And now we’re back to talking.

                I’m not ready to share what that was about yet. It’s still a difficult subject for me.

                We tried for a few months to make it work but in the end, when I began to finally understand my ways of thinking and seriously make the changes I needed for myself, she ended it. I begged and pleaded for us to fix this but in the end she was done. She had been for some time and her pushing hindered us for months where things would have gotten better. I didn’t see it that way though and merely blamed myself and my actions for leading us here.

                Eventually grief changed to anger and being pushed would end us as friends as well. I left for some time, hoping I could clear my head of here. Twice though, she sent me heartfelt text messages. One admitting she pushed me away and was out of control and the other wishing I was still there for her when she was in a time of need.

                I can’t be there for her anymore. Not at her beck and call, not in a moment of convenience, not as a half-assed friend. She pushed me away, she got what she wanted. I can be civil with her to a point but the pain and anger are still in me from this and I don’t think that will go away anytime soon. I miss her terribly. I miss her children and her pets, I still dream about her from time to time and I still want to scream at her, making it clear of how much her actions have done damage.

               I’m honourable, I still keep her secrets, I still speak highly of her as a person, but the last thing I can handle at the moment is seeing her.  Now if only I could gain the courage to totally break away from her. But there are other issues with that.

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