Endings and Explanations (Letting Go of the Wrong)

One major issues I have with break-ups is the reevaluation of the relationship. Essentially the post mortem of what we really were, what damage it did and what did I learn from the mistakes. With those revelations comes a period of anger when you realize there were many realities in which were denied and many issues that were never stated.

I know full well I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I make no excuses and take full responsibility for them. My reactions to some of the events I am not proud of and I took ownership to them once I was caught. Some of those actions were taken as a retaliation to being hurt but that’s no excuse. The fact was I did the wrong thing. I should have voiced how I felt more clearly and given an ultimatum of sorts, instead of simply taking it. Doing so I would have either ended something that was needing to end long before it actually did. Instead, I simple kept my mouth shut at the wrong times, opened it without any real form of tact and didn’t realize what was really going on until long after we ended. Because of this, both of us ended up suffering our shares of hurt and anger and we now have no real contact with each other.

In my case, my pain and anger developed from a disturbing realization of what we really were and what was really happening. On one side, our problems began when I resumed sleeping with my ex when being constantly told by A. that we were “just dating” and being hidden by friends and family of our relationship. Looking back on that event, my first reaction was the right one, the relationship should have ended. The cause was way more in depth then just the title she dubbed us. I look back now and her divorce was and is still pending. I never once thought I was a home wrecker. She was in a relationship with one other person between her husband and I and had been involved with others before me as well. The warning bell occurred the first night I met her. She still has a party lifestyle that I had grown out of. During my 20’s where I was part of the club and party scenes she was a married woman who was starting her family. Now that she was given a real amount of freedom, she took advantage of the lifestyle in her late 20’s and 30’s. Some of this has given her and us issues but that’s not my problem any longer.

Another issue I had with her was something I never realized until recently. A. has a lot of male friends, all of which she had never physically cheated on me with any of them. However she has had emotional affairs with all of them. This is more damaging in my opinion because it creates tension and jealousy along with mistrust. Combine that with her inability to actually commit to a real relationship and finally an inability to take criticism without crossing a thin line of talking down to her like a parent would makes it difficult to communicate. Simple put, she can tell me everything I’m doing wrong but can’t be told the same without a verbal lashing, being accused of a Jekyll and Hyde mood swing or a slap in the face.

Also A. has admitted to me that she requires a lot of personal attention. A level she admits is high but in the end I realized that there was no way any person could realistically give that level of attention to her without causing serious damage to my priorities and self worth. In the end, My self esteem was lower with her than it had been ever been before. I had major stress events because I couldn’t meet her needs and I’d watch her travel to others to get her attention fix.

Finally there was something that I fought long to deny out of guilt or fear. The fact is, I do blame her for what happened last Valentines day. Something I will not put on a blog but have spoken to close friends and therapist about had me realize that her actions, her mental state and choices she made at the time all contributed to the disaster we encountered that day. I’m still unable to forgive her and I can no longer deny what I truly believe happened.

All of this lead to a huge unbalance in relationship equality that easily ended  in disaster and I harbor a huge amount of anger toward her. I see most of our relationship lacking relevance and because of it, I feel I wasted a lot of my heart of someone who was unable to reciprocate it and because of that I made the choice to remove her out of my life.

She is right, I did throw her away, I couldn’t live like that anymore. I have a ton of issues internally and externally that I’ve needed to work out to be where I want to be and move forward and I no longer think I will be able to make those changes while catering to her. Maybe had I met someone more in tune to her needs and was able to include me in her life instead of having me as a part of physical and emotional entourage, things could have turned out great between us. Instead her quest for self worth turned into selfishness and the added stress those choices made by her made her disposable as I followed the first rule of therapy, Take whatever is stressing you out the most and get rid of it.

I still don’t see her as an evil person, far from it. I see her as a wonderful woman capable of  being an inspiration to those around her and one day I believe she will find someone who will help her realize her needs and meet them in every way. I’m sad it wasn’t me but everything happens for a reason.

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

            There are times when relationships have to come to an end more than you would expect. It isn’t pleasant, or at least my situation but it had to end. I’m not writing this to create drama, nor am I starting a blame game. Overall it’s me trying to sort it out and maybe give a clearer explanation to why things ended up the way they did.

            I thought about trying to explain in vague but every time I began to write it, it makes the situation look wrong in so many ways, for both of us, and overall it’s no one else’s business. What happened between us is strictly that. Our lives together good and bad we’re between us and who ever we decided on the individual level to inform of our time together. It is not for the rest of the World Wide Web.

            So why did I decide to end everything? Those who have ended a relationship may have problems being around them. Maybe you are angry, maybe you feel betrayed, maybe you still care and wish things ended differently, or didn’t end at all. Whichever the reason, the relationship and any and all contact had to end and because of that, someone got hurt. My reasons behind my actions were simple. I couldn’t be around her because it hurt.  I care too much and in the end with some circumstances I no longer have that right to care, nor can I be kept in thought to something I no longer have a say in the matter. There is a far more in depth explanation I could give but in order to do so would require me to divulge too much personal information that I’m not allowed to share.

            With this in mind, I had taken steps long before the argument that ultimately ended out friendship occurred. I had removed her from my phone’s contact list and Email address book. We still had contact with each other on various social networks but when I eventually brought up something to her on those accounts, tension began to occur with things that we had resolved in the past. The final conversation we had, the boiling point had been reached. Things were said to each other. Some, not intending to hurt but to shed light on matters were taken in the wrong tone. This has happened before and subjects were blown way out of proportion. We finally both hit our limits and things were said on both our parts to hurt. I asked her to remove any connection to my family and after some debate, she obliged. I knew I hurt her and I have no doubt she knew she hurt me. Especially when she placed blame for a mutual tragedy we encountered on me and the divine in a mutual cause and effect. I was hurt and pissed with that comment and had the argument had happened face to face instead of over the phone, the outcome may have been worse.

            So here we are. We now have zero contact with each other in any way. We are not linked on any form of social network, our phones have erased each other from their memories and I trust any trace of me in her home, photos, letters and such are long gone in the garbage or worse as most of mine are, sadly by her doing due to a previous issue that eventually lead us here. Anything else she left behind here was either boxed away or tossed to remove traces of her as well. The only thing I could not remove was the stuffed cow because she was right, it was a symbol of something else.

            Now I try to move on. I am still keeping to my promises I made when her and I were together mainly because she was right, I need to take charge in my life and work to improve it on so many aspects. I talk things out to close friends and professionals to help clear my mind. I am doing my best to being a better parent to my children. I am making plans and sticking to achieving my goals. I even began to include myself in the community and started going to church, looking for moral guidance.

This all may seem strange to my friends, especially my attending church but I see the church as a place to receive guidance even when my faith is still in question. It’s not me finding God in the mist of this tragedy but a place where I can get a better understanding of life as I find myself better to listen to others opinions instead of my usual retort to any criticism given to me.

Overall in the end I harbor no ill toward her and I really do wish she will find the truest happiness that she wants to achieve without any repercussions from anyone or anything. My only true regret is that removing her from my life also removed her children that I had come to love so much, I will miss them terribly as much as I will miss her.

I realized what I needed in my life. I am out to better myself and reach goals I set out to meet some time ago. I realized that I want someone in my life I can relate to and challenge me. I want someone who I can see fantastic qualities in and accept her faults. I want someone who I can have a future with. I am currently taking the steps needed to be the person I want to be and when I’m ready to take that next step, I will look to making my future the way I want it.

A. and I didn’t work. We were both troubled in our own way to make what we had last. There is no doubt that we loved each other and no matter what happened between us, we both care for each other. But we both made choices that insured we would never work. She made a choice that she did not want to get married, maybe a person she could spend her life with but because of her bitter divorce and previous betrayal from another, she kept her guard up. I was a person who felt so unworthy to be with her that I pushed her away at any sign of trouble. We could have been a wonderful couple, but our timing was off and now here we are. She was right in the end she wanted someone who could accept her lifestyle and be the person she saw in me. From my point of view, I am willing to change but I want it to be how I see fit without the direct influence of others because I wanted to be sure the changes I made would be for me and only by me and in the end I discovered a great many things.

I will be grateful to her in what she has taught me over our time together. She has taught me to listen and to realize that even when I am sure I am right, I can easily be proven wrong. I learned that what I fear will not always be the outcome and honestly, although not always well received is better than lies. I will take what she taught me and live with it for the rest of my life and I will have a better understanding of what I want and what I can tolerate.

Maybe one day in the future we can be friends. One day we may run into each other and be civil or friendly, but only time will tell. Until then I will go on with my life and rebuild. I am sorry for some of the things I has said whether I meant them or not. I regret having to end our friendship but it was what I know is best for us to heal from our heartbreak. 

Storm Damage

I need to say this but I need to be vague as well.

I am so incredibly lost right  now. The synapses on and around my limbic system  are firing and misfiring in a brainstorm unseen in my brain. I know the activity is swirling around and I feel it messing with other parts of my brain and body, causing me to feel torn up inside and out on a physical level.

I know the reasons behind this mess, I noticed the triggers as they happened.

But what I am still unsure of is the root cause.

Was it caused by you? Or is it still stemming from my own history of fear and inadequacies?

It's something I need to figure out and until then, I need to hide it from you.

Question Become Reflections, Viewed For Your Satisfaction

There are moments in life where asking a question can be the dumbest act you can do but somehow end up being the best thing you needed.

            A.’s parents are in town today and there have been conversations between her and I that have been friendly, supportive and joking proving that she and I can be friends. Naturally I have to find a question to ruin that attitude, because I’m stupid.

            A little background as I explain the situation further. Last year when A. and I were seeing each other and her parents paid her a visit for a week. During this time, she distanced herself from me and most other people due to the discomfort regarding her family. The reasons for that are hers and I won’t begin to analyze that situation. With this being brought into play along with other issues that were secretly eroding what little of a relationship we were forming, it made things even more volatile and would eventually cause a meltdown stemming from so many different avenues of insecurities from both of us to lead us to where we are now.  I had already began to react badly to smaller issues, such as being in a “dating” relationship and hiding ourselves from her children and some of her friends, our level of intimacy that we began last winter that added to the equation and  made an already bad situation far worse. I didn’t like being a secret. I didn’t like the feeling that I was not good enough to discuss with others or to not be introduced to loved ones. I had a history of being a secret with others for much more valid reasons than the reasons she had brought to my attention, Her explanation, though it made sense, made me feel lower than I had ever felt before with her.

           

            Returning back to the present, I asked the dumbest question I could have ever asked her. Has her new guy friend, the one she spends most of her time with today, met her parents? I knew it was a mistake the second I asked and I dreaded the answer because I already knew it. She informed me that he has not met them but it was a possibility. And with that possibility, it solidified that feeling I had last year to a point where my state of mind is permanently changed.

This time I honestly don’t care of her reaction to what’s on my mind. We aren’t together, so vocalizing my issues no longer frightens me. I felt that in her eyes I was less than sewage. (That may be a bit overdramatic). I reminded her that I felt as if I was a big secret to her last year but now this friend has a better opportunity to meet them than I ever did when I was more than just a friend to her then. She reminded me that the chance he has to meet them is only slight, same as it was for me. But I don’t think she remembers the conversation we had last year before their visit. She had no intention of me meeting them. It was awkward to her and her mother. This was a big step for her to introduce me to her family as she was still going through a divorce with her husband. She stated in the end that she had no intention of hurting me because of these facts. I believe her.

But intention means little when you’re hurt regardless. Not to mention a phrase of hers I have begun to despise, “I’m not perfect, I mess up, I’m sorry I made you feel this way”. It’s the closest she has come to an apology with me recently.

This isn’t a deal-breaker and I don’t hate her because of this. I was clearly hurt and upset but I won’t lose myself in a fit of anger. Instead I went over to my new favorite diner to hang out with my friend I. who has a way to let me vent without letting the anger in me from blowing up. We’ve only been friends for a short time, but I am more comfortable with her than many other friends I have. We get each other and find our revelations about each of our lives amusing and helpful to each other.

            I. is right, I am a caring person, which is a dramatic difference from the “Asshole” I tried so hard to be over my adult life to mask the pain I was going though and reflect it on others. I realized two things after I cleared my head.

           

1.      Two things that are the core of a relationship are communication and self-esteem.

2.       With that in mind, had my self-esteem been the way it is today and I voiced my issues to her, we’d be in a better place, no matter what the outcome was.

Today I realize that the person I am will not be a secret to someone I intend to have a relationship with. Secrets are for lovers having an illicit affair, not for a growing relationship. I will voice the problem early on to prevent the growing concerns I may have, from erupting into hurtful reactions stemmed from my beaten down self-esteem. I should have placed an ultimatum back then about being a secret about being titles at a level less than what I felt was right.  Had I done that, no matter what the outcome, it would have ended better.

In one outcome, she could have made that move forward with us, placing us in a situation where we would have grown together instead of our first defining gestures of moving apart. We may have worked out and been in a strong trusting relationship that we both sought after.

In the other outcome, she could have kept her stance of not being ready for a relationship and we could have understood for certain that we had hit a point where our paths were no longer heading to the same destination. We would have ended before our attachment grew too strong for us to ignore, causing us so much pain as things went on and we may have become different people than we are now.

Sad thing is, the “what if’s” never happened. My self-esteem was already in the toilet from years of hurt and self destruction prevented me from making that choice. I would eventually find myself on the path of recovery, but it would be another year of pain, reflection and consequence before I would reach the point where I am today. The fact remains, each day it gets easier. Mistakes are still made between us and it becomes apparent through each of them that the hurt gets easier to deal with. I see things much different now. I am aware that even though the pain, the outcome is not a negative one. I still care, I always will and I don’t regret for a moment in having that quality.

A. is a huge part of why I am the way I am, through the good and the bad. I have grown so much recently and much faster since the break up. One day I will meet someone and it will all come together because of who I am becoming. My reactions are different and my standards are higher. My smiles are real and the negative in me no longer has the control it once did. I know I will have my bad days, I know there will be moments where I wish things could be different, but those moments will be less and less and I will simply see things as they are and not what they could have been.

Meltdown Through Analysis

            I have been in this funk for several days. I can’t get out of it no matter how much I try and to be honest, I am not sure what’s causing it. After so much thought I realized it could be any number of things or all of them combined. It’s difficult to sort them out and deal with their fundamental sources. It simple boils down to these factors.

1.      Relationships

2.      Money

3.      Career

4.      Children

5.      Self Worth

Relationships

This is not directed at my break up. Not entirely. I spent so much time feeling this emptiness recently, I immediately attributed it to A. and the breakup. But in the end, what I’ve noticed is when I look to find ways to get rid of the emptiness; it isn’t always toward her. It’s looking at several people. People I feel close and comfortable with and want to be around for a chance of peace. It is sometimes picturing intimate encounters but not necessary sexual ones.

Tonight for instance, I wanted to just sleep next to someone. Somebody I could be relaxed around. It made me realize that even though I don’t always sleep well around other people, I have come to enjoy someone being there. A. was always here in my home, she even made mention to the fact that she was at my house more than she was at her own. I think I got used to not only here, always around and sleeping next to me, but just the mere presence of someone being there.

It isn’t just in the bedroom though, it’s a general feeling of being alone. It’s that feeling of being accepted and love. It is very rare someone comes to visit me and it’s an issue that’s actually a huge pet peeve of mine that stemmed from early adulthood. I was the one always driving to see my friends and to hang out. There are two times in my life I was without a car and during those times, I seldom or stopped seeing almost all my friends. These days I’m more aware of that situation and it bothers me when people I know won’t hang out unless I drive out to meet them. Very few people ever come here. Even fewer are the people I know who have even been to my home. It reminds me of my childhood when I had a ton of friends in the summertime because I was the only one in the neighborhood who had a pool. I’m now they guy with the car ready to take people to where they need to go. Or the guy who indulges them to their wants but to hell with what I want because there’s nothing to do. (Insert extremely low self-esteem).

I feel alone right now, not because I don’t have a girlfriend but because the only one I really hang out with these days is C. who is wonderful but I feel like such an ass for how I’ve treated her before and the fact that being around her is a huge secret with people from both our circles. I don’t want to cause an issue by being around her and for that I feel like an ass because she’s the only one I feel I can count on these days. Most of my friends I meet at anywhere but my house. I feel like a huge secret in A.’s life more now than when we first started dating. And everyone else I merely communicate through the internet. I feel like that guy who does a lot for others but is almost at the level of an Untouchable in other people’s eyes. Where’s the fairness in this? Why do I have to almost always leave my house in order to be with friends? Why is it that I feel that I have so many friends because I go to them? Because I am the one always going to them. Facts are facts.

Money

            Without going into too much detail of my financial situations, it’s best to say I am broke to the point of being broken. This recession beat the hell out of me after leaving Paychex. I managed to find income to survive though luck and a ton of help from friends, family and others. But right now I have literally nothing. This issue is only made worse through other factors in my life. Relationships: I can’t afford to go out. Career: I can’t afford to start this business. Children: I can’t give them what they want and sometimes what they need. They are always asking why and sometimes I find my patience slipping. Self Worth: Money isn’t everything, but living off the charity of others is humiliating. I am working my ass off to get Xcom up and running and I am constantly finding new ways to get tasks done on zero spending. And that leads to other problems.

Career

            I know Xcom Radio will work, I have planned it, ran S.W.O.T Analysis on it. Plugged every detail on it, found ways to save more money on the startup than I thought possible and I now ask myself for what? I have put in months of countless hours in action and research to get this project in motion. I am depending on my partner into providing funding to make this a reality. So far everything on my end is done. All we have left is the automation software to be purchased, the website designed and hosted and we can begin the process of dry run to give us a structure to obtain clientele. All of which needs money. Money I don’t have the money that has yet to be provided because of so many reasons and excuses that have me wasting more time by adding more tasks on my plate with no sign of a realistic outcome. I am so scared of this not becoming something more than just a written and planned concept because I am waiting on others. I feel my life and self worth are relying on this and I have gone too far to have it collapse.  

            A few months back I took time to think seriously about getting a loan or venture capital and starting this on my own. All the work had literally been done by me at this point and I still see nothing contributed by my partner other than concert ideas that we seldom agree on. I asked A. for advice and she said I would lose so much respect from her, my partner and others if I went this route. I doubt I have ever had professional respect from my partner, her or anyone else directly involved with this. It’s time I take things into my own hands and finish what I started with or without him.

           

            Children

            I have two children, my daughter Michelle who is 13 and my son Nick who is 11. Michelle has Autistic Spectrum Disorder, which means she is mentally handicapped but it is not defined as traditional Autism. Essentially Doctors can’t agree as to what she has so she is thrown into the ASD pile or as I like to say, Autistic-like. She is beautiful, she is wonderful and she is fantastic in her own way and as much as I love her, there are moments I feel like crap because I feel totally helpless. I feel like I am doing everything wrong at times, even when people tell me I am a great dad to her. I feel that my patience should be so much better with her and I find myself loosing that patience because it feels like a never ending uphill battle with her. I have no doubt in my mind that I love her and will be there for her. I feel horrible that I set these expectations for her when she was born and when the autism showed up, all those plans fell apart. I hate the fact that I am embarrassed at times when she talks in her mono toned voice that gets stares from children and adults alike. And it pisses me off when my mother tells strangers around us that Michelle is her very “special” to her. “Do you get what I mean by special”. I am her only parent and the fact that everyone feels like they need to either interfere or avoid us because of how she is upsets me over and over again.

            Nick does not live with me but I do spend every other weekend with him. I have so little time and I feel that as much effort I put into raising him; I feel that it’s never enough. I deal with the issues and grudges from his mother who if she had her way, would totally have me out of the picture. I have no say in what he does, I have no say toward his well-being. I have no say in his schooling and when I do bring it up, I am quickly shot down by her. I am protective of him and there are times I seriously disagree to how he’s treated by his mother and grandfather and in a moment of pure stupidity I voiced those issues without thinking of the damage it did to him. It devastated me when I was told what happened after my actions when I dropped him off after out last visit. No matter how angry I am at them, the regret I have toward my actions that caused him grief is far greater. I want more time with him. I want to raise both my children right. I want the best for them and yet by totally different reasons, I feel I am failing them.

            No matter how many times people say I am a great dad to them, I am constantly seeing otherwise. The only reason I know I have not failed them is because I am still here for both of them. I keep trying no matter how impossible if feels or how little I think I do for them, I still know I am doing something.

            Now with all this on my mind I have to figure out how to juggle it. A. was right, I have too much on my plate to successfully add to it. But I keep doing what needs to be done. I can’t walk away or quit anymore because it’s all I have, good and bad. I can do the best I can to change things I don’t like but other things are more of a challenge than dropping the dead weight. 

Dream a Little Dream . . . . Of Horror

If Dreams are a way of your subconscious telling you what’s going on in your mind, I’m really loosing it.

Two dreams last night I can still remember. The first one has me stealing the Ajanti Dagger and then trying to fight Sardo Numspa both in human and demon form (Kudos to the readers out there who recognize this 80’s movie reference). It got very frightening when he landed in my pool, creating a cloud of steam, giving him stealth for that dramatic effect. In the end, my dear sweet brother Numsy got what was coming to him and I woke up.

You’d think after that my mind would cut me some slack and give me a dream where I was on a date with Hope Solo. But sadly this was not to be. Sorry Hope, I had a fantastic night planned for us but my subconscious cock-blocked me.

So instead of the Hope Solo dream, I found myself trying to escape a city while being attacked by the local military. I wandered through city blocks looking for a place to hide as random soldiers tried to shoot me. This alone was terrifying but what was on my mind at the time was getting away from the impending bombing raid on the city. I finally found a good, safe hiding place that kept me covered from the soldiers and would protect me from conventional bombing.

This is simple right? Can I get one good break in these dreams?

“No!” said my subconscious.

Turns out that conventional bombing was a tactical nuclear weapon that would kill me no matter where I hid. On a plus side, I saw a fantastic light show above me before the blast vaporized me.

Now I’m awake. And now I am not going back to sleep. It’s time to start my day out right and give me a clearer head for tomorrow night’s round of dreams.

So Goodbye Sardo Numspa, goodbye soldiers and goodbye fifty megaton yield nuclear blast. Hello new morning let’s have a good day.

Guarded Feelings and Release

The problem with blogging is that there are some things you aren’t ready to share with in the open public. It’s not like a journal where you keep it to yourself till someone finds it and reads it, invading your privacy. It’s open for strangers and friends to see. The issue I had today is how do I release my issues without blogging to the world about an uncomfortable subject?

           

            This is my problem, normally I would try to talk about it to someone I knew and trusted. Sadly enough, most of the few friends I have that know this chapter in my life can’t directly understand what I’m going through and in turn make the sympathy feel a bit hollow. It’s not their fault nor am I angry at that fact. It simply is the way it is and there is not much I can do about it. There are a few other friends, who can relate to it, but there is a sense of awkwardness I have about talking about it and in the end I still feel that I am alone with the exception of the others who were a part of the situation. And even then they may not be as inclined to talk about it, making my stress grow more.

            One other way of alleviating my issue would be through emotional release. Sadly my social upbringing of my gender role hampers that action from happening or being able to do it enough to feel better. I suffer from the “Man Box” syndrome Tony Porter described at TEDWomen in December, 2010. Essentially I have been given this idealism that men do not do certain things, crying being one of them. Because of this, I have trouble allowing myself to cry, in private or more especially in public view of others, whether they be friends, family or strangers. Because of that guard I have on myself, my mind tries to find other ways of release; very few of these are productive or safe and are based on the deep seated anger and frustration from being able to find salvation from something simple. Because of that, I have been violent to people and objects and verbally abusive toward others because I can’t properly rationalize my stressors and deal with them in a more simple benevolent manner.

           

            So instead I let the stress build and build to the point of breaking until I eventually gave in and talked to the person who was involved in the particular issue in my life. I felt lost still as I talked to her but I did notice that just talking to her about it was helping me get through it. The problem was not gone but it was releasing some of the pressure until I could find another was to get through it. I feel the pain of it still, even as I write this blog post, but I know I can last a little while longer before being in danger of hitting a breaking point.