Help Me, If It's Not a Burden

Those who are truly depressed don't want to ask for help because they feel like they're a burden to their friends and family. I know that story, this isn't my first round in this fight.
I'm currently at the stage where I feel like I'm a burden, people could care less, and they'll ridicule me. I know it's not true,  bit it's very convincing. The people who I want to confide to, that I want in my corner are either busy, have enough on their plate or want nothing to do with me. That's why I'm in this mindset.
The cause this time could be a number of things. Chemical imbalance is the main guess. Ongoing stress in my life could also be a contributer. The trifecta is rejection from the people I want in life. Basic rejection is easy to deal with but being rejected by someone I've become attached to just rips you apart.
At the moment I've been rejected by the last woman I've loved, a best friend, someone I've admired for his lifestyle and finally my son.  The first and the last are the worst blows. Those have been making me want to detach from the world the most. My "best friend" really does have enough on her plate and it's only going to get worse, my issues are irrelevant. Everything else can be dealt with.
I can go back to my old ways. I can't mediate, I can't have sex to dull it out although that is the easiest way to deal with it,  minus the guilt that follows, and I can't run away from it. I need to find other avenues.

The question is what can I do?  Go work out at the gym?  I'm paying for a membership for some reason. Let's see if that helps?

The victory has been cancelled.

Everything was going to plan. Everything was fine. This week was going so well.

And then Wednesday night happened.

Ironically enough getting the email that the first 5k run event I was planning was cancelled, yet again is what pissed me off the most.

For months now I’ve been training for this. Not because I wanted to run 5km but more because I wanted one of those photos showing that I was at one of these events. It was a victory for me that I had gone from a 300+ pound elephant to a much slimmer and more in shape runner.  Even in grade school, when I was thin, I couldn’t even run a single quarter of a mile lap. But this past fall I began training myself to run and made it in a few weeks to running the 3.1 miles in a 5k run before pushing myself to running five miles by the middle of December.  February 1^st couldn’t come soon enough. Until they cancelled it.

Now I have to wait until May for the next run I registered for and my victories will still be private until then.  I know it sounds shallow for me to do this for attention but when you spend most of your adult life morbidly obese only to work hard to be in the best shape of your life, you want to show it off. I don’t dress in gaudy outfits; I don’t show off my body (That would be a bad idea because being over a hundred pounds overweight means that skin will not go back where it should). I want to be active and show people that I can do it.  That’s not too much to ask for.

Time to Catch Up, Time to Move On, Time to go Forward

It’s sad how rare I have the time to blog about the things that has been going on here. It’s even worse that the times I’ve wanted to blog, I’ve been bitter and angry to the point that it would come out as a spiteful ranting instead of a little bit of insight of lessons learned I’d rather dish out. I think it’s best to fill my readers in on what’s been going on over these last three months to better understand the lack of posts.

Relationships

I was seeing this woman over the past six months that has been utterly amazing. She is loving, supportive, silly, a guiding light and so much more. Yet we didn’t work out because so much of my life got in the way. In hindsight, there are so many things I could have done to prevent this. So many things I should have done. And there were so many things I did far too late. For that I’m angry at myself and others.

The first problem ended up being my mother. I never thought I would say that nor did I believe things were to become so hostile. But since my parents moved in it’s become a nightmare. My mother is a giant ball of passive aggressiveness that you can only ignore for so long. She is intimidated easily by people, especially those who have made accomplishments in their lives. If you have a degree in higher learning, heaven help you. If you stand up to her, she plays innocent while making little comments that are just below a direct insult. In the beginning, you can make the excuse of it being just part of her personality, like an idiosyncratic tick but after a while it gets old.

Let it be known that this is not an attack on my mom, nor do I hate her. This is a direct observation that I have been seeing over the years. I’ve said to her many times that I love her but we can only get along when we live 50 miles apart. The fact that we’ve been in the same house for the past five months it’s a miracle that we’re talking at all.

The problem here was that the tension between my mother and her became so bad that my girlfriend refused to come here if my mother was in this house. We originally hoped that we could last the six months of her being here and rebuild but add this and other factors piling on us, I couldn’t make it work and her and I agree that the last thing either of us want is for us to resent each other instead of loving each other.

The other factor was my friendship with A. the ex-girlfriend. I have now learned that ex’s cannot be friends right off the bat. There has to be a time to move on before you can even attempt to be friends or even civil with an ex. Although I had known I didn’t want A. in my romantic life again, it never occurred to me that I would still not be over the relationship and the emotional rollercoaster that it was over the years of on and off again romance. A. and I being friends again wasn’t normally a problem until she brought up her relationship issues with her new boyfriend. It pissed me off that she was willing to ignore things about him that she had the biggest problems with me. It also annoyed me when she would complain about him so very often and I’d wonder who and what she complained about me. I had let go of her but I didn’t let go of the relationship and it affected my relationship. When I finally figured that out I made the choice to end my friendship with A. to save my relationship. It didn’t go well in the end and there is nothing but anger between A. and I, which is exactly what should have happened.

Finally the most destructive issue was me. We did so well in the beginning and it was easy to discuss the future, but instead I got spooked. I’ve never been married and although I eventually do want to get married, I want to be sure without any doubts. When she began to talk about it, I got scared and began to retreat. Relationships aren’t simple and they never follow a plan. Someone can be ready for the next step before the other is and unfortunately I wasn’t ready to take the next step yet and that was perhaps the biggest issue that ended us.

Family

My daughter has been doing much better since she was hospitalized. I keep a separate blog here about life with her. My son begins high school tomorrow which makes me feel old. My parents have lived here for five months and as much as I love them, I want my house back, I want my bedroom back and I want to invite people over again.  Is that too much to ask?

Outside of my home I got in contact with my brother Jonathan and slowly we’re building a relationship. He has so many questions about the same things I did five years ago. I’m hoping he has a better chance of getting to know everyone than I felt that I did.

Outcome

As of now I feel a little trapped and lost. Things that needed to happen did. I may not like how it all turned out but I have a better chance to sort my head out and move forward. Life is never perfect and often I’m not happy with things, but all I can do is learn from my mistakes and continue to move forward.

My House is Now My Home

                 I have had a constant fear of permanence that has led to the ‘Three Year Periods” of my life. I have never attended school for more than three years. I have never lived anywhere in my adult life longer than three years. No job longer than three years and the only relationship that lasted more than three years was with C. and I spent a good portion of those years trying to destroy that. In short, I fear permanence.

I lived in my house for three years before I finally treated this as my home. Maybe it was the fact that I was content with being here past the three year mark that I decided to shape the rest of the place outside my bedroom to something that belonged to me. That simple step was done by adding family pictures to the place. Now this place is my home. This place has been remodeled and it’s still my home. The carpet is what I chose, the kitchen counters are my pick as well. Nothing here simple came with the place. Nothing here is a remainder of the former owners. This is my home.

This is the place where I’m supposed to go to when I feel frightened or lost. This is where my family lives. It is where I raise my daughter full time and keep her on a routine so she can feel safe and loved. This is a place I bring people I want to let into my life more than the average, casual acquaintance. This is a place I come to after a long trip or stressful event that I can take a deep breath or crash in my bed and know all my creature comforts are here when I need them. I have lived in this house longer than three years and I have the right to call it my home.  

I write this because the past two weeks I have spent wondering what is going to happen next. Will there be a battle for me to keep it? Will I spend the next few months feeling like a prisoner in my own home? Will my life be turned upside down because of this place? I don’t know what to expect and for that my stress levels are at an all time high.  Little by little, my home is turning back into a house I currently live in. The aura of permanence is fading and I will not stand for that. I intend to fight for this place. Preferably in a peaceful way where all parties can agree to original ideal and life can quickly return to its scheduled normalcy. But if it can’t I will fight tooth and nail for my home. I will exhaust every legal avenue and lay waist to bridges formed to keep my home. This is not just an address anymore. This isn't just walls, floors, a roof and furniture. This is a place I intend to put in roots and raise my family and I will not give it up gracefully.

These are my terms that I open the door for a peace agreement. This is my declaration of independence. 

Helpless and Scares

I am a single father to a 15 year old daughter with Tuberous Sclerosis Complex, a genetic disease that affects the brain, skin, heart and kidneys. In her case she is mentally disabled in the Autistic Spectrum and has seizures that are usually kept under control with medication. She loves attention but often does things on her own like your average stubborn teenager.

She is tall, beautiful and until she spoke, you would never know she had a problem. But when she does, she speaks in a monotone voice, refers to herself in third person and describes events in metaphor.

Her mother lost all custody in 2005 and the last time she saw her mother was in 2009. Over the past eight years it has been primarily her and I.

The mental disability has been an issue that has taught me patience and to remove expectations. However her seizures are what has made me feel the most helpless.

She currently has suffered every type of seizure. Her seizures have landed her in the hospital multiple times. She cannot take a shower or bath unattended for fear she'll have a seizure and drown or hit her head on the faucet or bath. There is a plastic sheet over her mattress for when she looses bladder control and there has been no medicine yet that has managed to get them under control.

Early this week she began having Tonic Seizures that were occurring every couple of minutes. I rushed her to emergency room where she was given Lorazepam and a loader of phenobarbital that has knocked her out for the past 4 days. To this day, she's still a little loopy and wants to constantly sleep. The seizures are no longer happening every few minutes bit she is still plagued with tonic and emotional seizures every day.

These past few days I've felt the most helpless and frightened. There is no physical clue to why these seizures have suddenly begun happening. There are new stressers in her life, with the remodel and my parents moving in, the only thing that may be causing stress would be the change in her daily routines, which I don't think would cause seizures like this. Now all I can do is wait for her next neurological appointment.

I don't mind the input from others. But some of them insist that they have better experience in parenting my daughter. I understand they may be parents themselves but none of them have gone through this on a daily level. The intentions are good, but it's insulting when I hear people comparing their experience with mine. You don't understand and please listen when I tell you that. To me it feels like you're questioning my parenting more than helpful advice and I have enough stress with the fear and helplessness of dealing with my daughter's condition.

Remodeling

The past three weeks my home has had its major changes. My roommate Erin moving out, which given the circumstances was welcomed by all. My parents moving in, which has caused changes in the family dynamic as well as me giving up the Master Bedroom for the next 6 months. New carpet throughout the house. New ceramic tile flooring in the dining room, entry and kitchen. Refaced cabinets that made this house smell like solvent for the past few days, my front door restored from dog damage and finally new furniture for the living room and dining room. When it's finally finished with the counters and sink, this place will look nothing like it did before.

What I've learned in the past few weeks is that given the economy, haggling has never been so easy and everyone is offering a better deal than the previous guy. This has made the remodel reach it's completion sooner and under budget.

And for the first time, my place feels like home. It has been given its own personal touch of beauty far from the as is look of when we first bought it. And in addition, its managed to wash away some of the memories of the past 4 years. Gone are the damaged doors and baseboards from my former roommate's evil Chihuahua, my former lover's first dog and my dog's mischief. Gone is the line on my wall from a chinchilla cage placed there during a long Holiday season. Gone now is the ugly green leather sofas we'd waste the day or have discussions on. Gone is the old fence where my roommate's now deceased tweeker boyfriend broke a panel in a fit of anger. Gone is the carpet that I would have to constantly clean after bouts of my aunt's incontinence and finally, gone is the bed that is filled with as too many memories and regrets that only seedy motels see.

My life has taken on many personal changes these past few months. It's about time that my home reflect those changes and let go of the past. On to new beginnings.

Time to Escape

It's camping day. And I'm still packing. Normally I would blame my procrastinating nature but the confirmation didn't happen til yesterday.

Most of my gear is packed already and all that's left are pots and pans, clothes, food and toiletries.  Not much more work to be done in the 3 hours we have left til we leave.

but at least I know the tent is still on good shape.