My House is Now My Home

                 I have had a constant fear of permanence that has led to the ‘Three Year Periods” of my life. I have never attended school for more than three years. I have never lived anywhere in my adult life longer than three years. No job longer than three years and the only relationship that lasted more than three years was with C. and I spent a good portion of those years trying to destroy that. In short, I fear permanence.

I lived in my house for three years before I finally treated this as my home. Maybe it was the fact that I was content with being here past the three year mark that I decided to shape the rest of the place outside my bedroom to something that belonged to me. That simple step was done by adding family pictures to the place. Now this place is my home. This place has been remodeled and it’s still my home. The carpet is what I chose, the kitchen counters are my pick as well. Nothing here simple came with the place. Nothing here is a remainder of the former owners. This is my home.

This is the place where I’m supposed to go to when I feel frightened or lost. This is where my family lives. It is where I raise my daughter full time and keep her on a routine so she can feel safe and loved. This is a place I bring people I want to let into my life more than the average, casual acquaintance. This is a place I come to after a long trip or stressful event that I can take a deep breath or crash in my bed and know all my creature comforts are here when I need them. I have lived in this house longer than three years and I have the right to call it my home.  

I write this because the past two weeks I have spent wondering what is going to happen next. Will there be a battle for me to keep it? Will I spend the next few months feeling like a prisoner in my own home? Will my life be turned upside down because of this place? I don’t know what to expect and for that my stress levels are at an all time high.  Little by little, my home is turning back into a house I currently live in. The aura of permanence is fading and I will not stand for that. I intend to fight for this place. Preferably in a peaceful way where all parties can agree to original ideal and life can quickly return to its scheduled normalcy. But if it can’t I will fight tooth and nail for my home. I will exhaust every legal avenue and lay waist to bridges formed to keep my home. This is not just an address anymore. This isn't just walls, floors, a roof and furniture. This is a place I intend to put in roots and raise my family and I will not give it up gracefully.

These are my terms that I open the door for a peace agreement. This is my declaration of independence. 

Helpless and Scares

I am a single father to a 15 year old daughter with Tuberous Sclerosis Complex, a genetic disease that affects the brain, skin, heart and kidneys. In her case she is mentally disabled in the Autistic Spectrum and has seizures that are usually kept under control with medication. She loves attention but often does things on her own like your average stubborn teenager.

She is tall, beautiful and until she spoke, you would never know she had a problem. But when she does, she speaks in a monotone voice, refers to herself in third person and describes events in metaphor.

Her mother lost all custody in 2005 and the last time she saw her mother was in 2009. Over the past eight years it has been primarily her and I.

The mental disability has been an issue that has taught me patience and to remove expectations. However her seizures are what has made me feel the most helpless.

She currently has suffered every type of seizure. Her seizures have landed her in the hospital multiple times. She cannot take a shower or bath unattended for fear she'll have a seizure and drown or hit her head on the faucet or bath. There is a plastic sheet over her mattress for when she looses bladder control and there has been no medicine yet that has managed to get them under control.

Early this week she began having Tonic Seizures that were occurring every couple of minutes. I rushed her to emergency room where she was given Lorazepam and a loader of phenobarbital that has knocked her out for the past 4 days. To this day, she's still a little loopy and wants to constantly sleep. The seizures are no longer happening every few minutes bit she is still plagued with tonic and emotional seizures every day.

These past few days I've felt the most helpless and frightened. There is no physical clue to why these seizures have suddenly begun happening. There are new stressers in her life, with the remodel and my parents moving in, the only thing that may be causing stress would be the change in her daily routines, which I don't think would cause seizures like this. Now all I can do is wait for her next neurological appointment.

I don't mind the input from others. But some of them insist that they have better experience in parenting my daughter. I understand they may be parents themselves but none of them have gone through this on a daily level. The intentions are good, but it's insulting when I hear people comparing their experience with mine. You don't understand and please listen when I tell you that. To me it feels like you're questioning my parenting more than helpful advice and I have enough stress with the fear and helplessness of dealing with my daughter's condition.

Remodeling

The past three weeks my home has had its major changes. My roommate Erin moving out, which given the circumstances was welcomed by all. My parents moving in, which has caused changes in the family dynamic as well as me giving up the Master Bedroom for the next 6 months. New carpet throughout the house. New ceramic tile flooring in the dining room, entry and kitchen. Refaced cabinets that made this house smell like solvent for the past few days, my front door restored from dog damage and finally new furniture for the living room and dining room. When it's finally finished with the counters and sink, this place will look nothing like it did before.

What I've learned in the past few weeks is that given the economy, haggling has never been so easy and everyone is offering a better deal than the previous guy. This has made the remodel reach it's completion sooner and under budget.

And for the first time, my place feels like home. It has been given its own personal touch of beauty far from the as is look of when we first bought it. And in addition, its managed to wash away some of the memories of the past 4 years. Gone are the damaged doors and baseboards from my former roommate's evil Chihuahua, my former lover's first dog and my dog's mischief. Gone is the line on my wall from a chinchilla cage placed there during a long Holiday season. Gone now is the ugly green leather sofas we'd waste the day or have discussions on. Gone is the old fence where my roommate's now deceased tweeker boyfriend broke a panel in a fit of anger. Gone is the carpet that I would have to constantly clean after bouts of my aunt's incontinence and finally, gone is the bed that is filled with as too many memories and regrets that only seedy motels see.

My life has taken on many personal changes these past few months. It's about time that my home reflect those changes and let go of the past. On to new beginnings.

Time to Escape

It's camping day. And I'm still packing. Normally I would blame my procrastinating nature but the confirmation didn't happen til yesterday.

Most of my gear is packed already and all that's left are pots and pans, clothes, food and toiletries.  Not much more work to be done in the 3 hours we have left til we leave.

but at least I know the tent is still on good shape.

Endings and Explanations (Letting Go of the Wrong)

One major issues I have with break-ups is the reevaluation of the relationship. Essentially the post mortem of what we really were, what damage it did and what did I learn from the mistakes. With those revelations comes a period of anger when you realize there were many realities in which were denied and many issues that were never stated.

I know full well I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I make no excuses and take full responsibility for them. My reactions to some of the events I am not proud of and I took ownership to them once I was caught. Some of those actions were taken as a retaliation to being hurt but that’s no excuse. The fact was I did the wrong thing. I should have voiced how I felt more clearly and given an ultimatum of sorts, instead of simply taking it. Doing so I would have either ended something that was needing to end long before it actually did. Instead, I simple kept my mouth shut at the wrong times, opened it without any real form of tact and didn’t realize what was really going on until long after we ended. Because of this, both of us ended up suffering our shares of hurt and anger and we now have no real contact with each other.

In my case, my pain and anger developed from a disturbing realization of what we really were and what was really happening. On one side, our problems began when I resumed sleeping with my ex when being constantly told by A. that we were “just dating” and being hidden by friends and family of our relationship. Looking back on that event, my first reaction was the right one, the relationship should have ended. The cause was way more in depth then just the title she dubbed us. I look back now and her divorce was and is still pending. I never once thought I was a home wrecker. She was in a relationship with one other person between her husband and I and had been involved with others before me as well. The warning bell occurred the first night I met her. She still has a party lifestyle that I had grown out of. During my 20’s where I was part of the club and party scenes she was a married woman who was starting her family. Now that she was given a real amount of freedom, she took advantage of the lifestyle in her late 20’s and 30’s. Some of this has given her and us issues but that’s not my problem any longer.

Another issue I had with her was something I never realized until recently. A. has a lot of male friends, all of which she had never physically cheated on me with any of them. However she has had emotional affairs with all of them. This is more damaging in my opinion because it creates tension and jealousy along with mistrust. Combine that with her inability to actually commit to a real relationship and finally an inability to take criticism without crossing a thin line of talking down to her like a parent would makes it difficult to communicate. Simple put, she can tell me everything I’m doing wrong but can’t be told the same without a verbal lashing, being accused of a Jekyll and Hyde mood swing or a slap in the face.

Also A. has admitted to me that she requires a lot of personal attention. A level she admits is high but in the end I realized that there was no way any person could realistically give that level of attention to her without causing serious damage to my priorities and self worth. In the end, My self esteem was lower with her than it had been ever been before. I had major stress events because I couldn’t meet her needs and I’d watch her travel to others to get her attention fix.

Finally there was something that I fought long to deny out of guilt or fear. The fact is, I do blame her for what happened last Valentines day. Something I will not put on a blog but have spoken to close friends and therapist about had me realize that her actions, her mental state and choices she made at the time all contributed to the disaster we encountered that day. I’m still unable to forgive her and I can no longer deny what I truly believe happened.

All of this lead to a huge unbalance in relationship equality that easily ended  in disaster and I harbor a huge amount of anger toward her. I see most of our relationship lacking relevance and because of it, I feel I wasted a lot of my heart of someone who was unable to reciprocate it and because of that I made the choice to remove her out of my life.

She is right, I did throw her away, I couldn’t live like that anymore. I have a ton of issues internally and externally that I’ve needed to work out to be where I want to be and move forward and I no longer think I will be able to make those changes while catering to her. Maybe had I met someone more in tune to her needs and was able to include me in her life instead of having me as a part of physical and emotional entourage, things could have turned out great between us. Instead her quest for self worth turned into selfishness and the added stress those choices made by her made her disposable as I followed the first rule of therapy, Take whatever is stressing you out the most and get rid of it.

I still don’t see her as an evil person, far from it. I see her as a wonderful woman capable of  being an inspiration to those around her and one day I believe she will find someone who will help her realize her needs and meet them in every way. I’m sad it wasn’t me but everything happens for a reason.

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

            There are times when relationships have to come to an end more than you would expect. It isn’t pleasant, or at least my situation but it had to end. I’m not writing this to create drama, nor am I starting a blame game. Overall it’s me trying to sort it out and maybe give a clearer explanation to why things ended up the way they did.

            I thought about trying to explain in vague but every time I began to write it, it makes the situation look wrong in so many ways, for both of us, and overall it’s no one else’s business. What happened between us is strictly that. Our lives together good and bad we’re between us and who ever we decided on the individual level to inform of our time together. It is not for the rest of the World Wide Web.

            So why did I decide to end everything? Those who have ended a relationship may have problems being around them. Maybe you are angry, maybe you feel betrayed, maybe you still care and wish things ended differently, or didn’t end at all. Whichever the reason, the relationship and any and all contact had to end and because of that, someone got hurt. My reasons behind my actions were simple. I couldn’t be around her because it hurt.  I care too much and in the end with some circumstances I no longer have that right to care, nor can I be kept in thought to something I no longer have a say in the matter. There is a far more in depth explanation I could give but in order to do so would require me to divulge too much personal information that I’m not allowed to share.

            With this in mind, I had taken steps long before the argument that ultimately ended out friendship occurred. I had removed her from my phone’s contact list and Email address book. We still had contact with each other on various social networks but when I eventually brought up something to her on those accounts, tension began to occur with things that we had resolved in the past. The final conversation we had, the boiling point had been reached. Things were said to each other. Some, not intending to hurt but to shed light on matters were taken in the wrong tone. This has happened before and subjects were blown way out of proportion. We finally both hit our limits and things were said on both our parts to hurt. I asked her to remove any connection to my family and after some debate, she obliged. I knew I hurt her and I have no doubt she knew she hurt me. Especially when she placed blame for a mutual tragedy we encountered on me and the divine in a mutual cause and effect. I was hurt and pissed with that comment and had the argument had happened face to face instead of over the phone, the outcome may have been worse.

            So here we are. We now have zero contact with each other in any way. We are not linked on any form of social network, our phones have erased each other from their memories and I trust any trace of me in her home, photos, letters and such are long gone in the garbage or worse as most of mine are, sadly by her doing due to a previous issue that eventually lead us here. Anything else she left behind here was either boxed away or tossed to remove traces of her as well. The only thing I could not remove was the stuffed cow because she was right, it was a symbol of something else.

            Now I try to move on. I am still keeping to my promises I made when her and I were together mainly because she was right, I need to take charge in my life and work to improve it on so many aspects. I talk things out to close friends and professionals to help clear my mind. I am doing my best to being a better parent to my children. I am making plans and sticking to achieving my goals. I even began to include myself in the community and started going to church, looking for moral guidance.

This all may seem strange to my friends, especially my attending church but I see the church as a place to receive guidance even when my faith is still in question. It’s not me finding God in the mist of this tragedy but a place where I can get a better understanding of life as I find myself better to listen to others opinions instead of my usual retort to any criticism given to me.

Overall in the end I harbor no ill toward her and I really do wish she will find the truest happiness that she wants to achieve without any repercussions from anyone or anything. My only true regret is that removing her from my life also removed her children that I had come to love so much, I will miss them terribly as much as I will miss her.

I realized what I needed in my life. I am out to better myself and reach goals I set out to meet some time ago. I realized that I want someone in my life I can relate to and challenge me. I want someone who I can see fantastic qualities in and accept her faults. I want someone who I can have a future with. I am currently taking the steps needed to be the person I want to be and when I’m ready to take that next step, I will look to making my future the way I want it.

A. and I didn’t work. We were both troubled in our own way to make what we had last. There is no doubt that we loved each other and no matter what happened between us, we both care for each other. But we both made choices that insured we would never work. She made a choice that she did not want to get married, maybe a person she could spend her life with but because of her bitter divorce and previous betrayal from another, she kept her guard up. I was a person who felt so unworthy to be with her that I pushed her away at any sign of trouble. We could have been a wonderful couple, but our timing was off and now here we are. She was right in the end she wanted someone who could accept her lifestyle and be the person she saw in me. From my point of view, I am willing to change but I want it to be how I see fit without the direct influence of others because I wanted to be sure the changes I made would be for me and only by me and in the end I discovered a great many things.

I will be grateful to her in what she has taught me over our time together. She has taught me to listen and to realize that even when I am sure I am right, I can easily be proven wrong. I learned that what I fear will not always be the outcome and honestly, although not always well received is better than lies. I will take what she taught me and live with it for the rest of my life and I will have a better understanding of what I want and what I can tolerate.

Maybe one day in the future we can be friends. One day we may run into each other and be civil or friendly, but only time will tell. Until then I will go on with my life and rebuild. I am sorry for some of the things I has said whether I meant them or not. I regret having to end our friendship but it was what I know is best for us to heal from our heartbreak. 

Storm Damage

I need to say this but I need to be vague as well.

I am so incredibly lost right  now. The synapses on and around my limbic system  are firing and misfiring in a brainstorm unseen in my brain. I know the activity is swirling around and I feel it messing with other parts of my brain and body, causing me to feel torn up inside and out on a physical level.

I know the reasons behind this mess, I noticed the triggers as they happened.

But what I am still unsure of is the root cause.

Was it caused by you? Or is it still stemming from my own history of fear and inadequacies?

It's something I need to figure out and until then, I need to hide it from you.